Prose
Everything & Not the Obvious
Life interrupted at age 12; calculating the carbs in my meals so that I know how much insulin to take; miscalculating resulting in a high – or a low; trying to draw my shot discreetly at a restaurant table, hoping that no one will notice; or the alternative – going to the dirty bathroom so that no one makes that <<eek>> face (the ew, why are you doing that in public one or, the aww, I feel sorry for you one) at the sight of my insulin vial, syringe, injecting myself; the tiny dots on the sides of my fingertips from testing my blood sugar 7 to 10 times a day, every day; the unexplained high blood sugars; “Were you cheating?;” not wanting to wear a medic-alert bracelet because it makes me feel like property of Diabetes – and because it’s not fashionable! – and I don’t think that makes me shallow; when people bring dessert to a dinner party and self-assuredly say “I brought sugar-free cookies - just for you!;” when, if there’s candy around, people start acting strangely around me; the ignorant comments from strangers; the ignorant comments from friends; the insensitive remarks; the “diabetes jokes” I hear on TV – and in real life; the diabetes references made in my presence when the person doesn’t know I have diabetes – and the awkwardness I feel as the person is talking; the fact that traveling with diabetes is such a production; when I have a simple cold and people ask if I am sick “because of the diabetes;” worrying about going to the park on a hot day because my insulin might spoil in the heat; the fact that I can’t carry small bags because I have too much to fit inside (meter, insulin, syringes, glucose tablets, etc.); carrying a small bag once in a blue moon - by leaving some of the aforementioned home for a few hours – and worrying while I’m out that I don’t have parts of my lifeline, should I need them; the A1C; the planning; the preparing; the unfairness; worrying about complications; the misconceptions; managing prescriptions; the stereotypes; the feeling in the back of my throat when I wake up high; feeling shaky when I’m low; sitting in class and wondering whether my insulin-to-carb ratio needs adjusting; the CLICK sound that the lancing device makes when I prick my finger; not knowing when I should tell someone that I have diabetes – if I should tell them at all; telling and worrying about what the person is thinking – or about the scary and/or inaccurate things they’ll find when they google ‘diabetes;' the misrepresentation in the media; the frustrations; the timing of everything; “Can you eat that?;" orange syringe caps; turquoise lancets; test strips; sharps containers; the chalky taste of glucose tablets; my top night table drawer would be empty without my diabetes; the first thing I do when I wake up every morning and the last thing I do before I go to bed every night is test my blood sugar; it follows me everywhere I go – it’s a 24 hour job with no lunch breaks; the fact that it never gets any easier; after 12 years, it’s still overwhelming.
-JJ
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